It's hard to verbally tell anyone what I feel, let alone put it into words. Then again I don't think there are many people out there who know what I feel or can empathise, or articulate just how deep my thoughts are...and how much my heart is invested in all of this. Only really special people who have Christ in their life can truly hear beyond my words what my heart is trying to say, or just trying to release because, well...it's full.
It's such a blessing to have two councilors as my homeroom partners, not only for us to care and guide 32 kids every day, but to confide in each others lives as if friends forever. Recently I have come to know one of them much more, someone who shares the same amount of love in our faith and who is constantly interested in what is going on in my little head. The other one I have grown to love for the past year simply because she smiles every day and is someone who owns the title of 'hardworking' - which I've been so inspired by.
After a long day at work (and I'm not even going to mention just how crazy this job called 'teaching' is), after dismissing 32 active kids home, we sat around D1 discussing the prospects of my marriage 'year'. Every time someone asks me this question I always have the same answer - 'In 4 or 5 years time, after he finishes university'. Usually this conversation ends with 'Make sure you invite me' and that's it. But this time I knew she felt that I had things to say, things to let out of my head and she sat there and listened for 30 minutes, not as a councilor or teacher, but as a friend and somewhat second mother.
You know really I'm okay with everything. But what does 'okay' really mean, right? What's it's limit of being 'alright'? I'm okay in the sense that I believe he is always someone I am going to love, despite everything. I think God's created me this way because no matter how hard the situation, no matter how much people I have lost as friends, there is still a spot for him in my heart. No matter how much I cry for people who have to go through single-parenthood and loathe men/women who let people use them like that, still I have a spot for him in my heart. Although it's so hard to value 'value' when you are reminded of what you cannot bear to understand.
I'm not making much sense at the moment, but I'm going to try in hopes of understanding why still every morning of my waking day, I sit for just a few seconds wishing life was more simple. While we were talking, the past came up and she mentioned people's names - names that make me shiver just because of their unworthiness to share anything with someone like him. Then I ponder and question why someone with such a wonderful soul can just let it happen, after knowing the truth. But I'm not here to vent about why everything happened because as Tita said - there are only 3 things you have control over - your thoughts, your words and your actions. Everyone else's thoughts, words and actions is not under your control.
I shared with her my fears, my sadness and she knew exactly what I meant even without finishing my sentences. Tita affirmed me that God wouldn't put me in this situation if He knew I didn't have the heart big enough, big enough to accommodate and love a child that is not mine. Sometimes I feel she is like my own, but it only lasts for a few hours and reality reminds me otherwise. But you know what, even though it's so hard to accept her, a simple 'Tita Mary' and she has won all of me.
Speaking of the heart big enough, Tita challenged me with a question, 'Is your heart big enough to accept that he has another girl in this life?'. She repeated, girl. In truth, no matter how selfish I can be, and even when I say I don't like it sometimes, deep down there is room big enough for her in my heart and in our house. Most of the time I am just being a sook, but I am also a women who has dreams only a perfect world can complete.
We talked endlessly about the 'future', then she asked me about my parents thoughts. She articulated why it took my parents so long to just let it be, with the pain knowing that I was cheated of having my own family with him. I guess for any parent, one of their many hopes in their children is to finish their education, get a stable and well-paying job and in the end find someone who will love and care for them for the rest of their life. But even if not all their wishes can be fulfilled, I will assure them that I have found the perfect person in the world who is someone worth spending the rest of my life with.
If I was an outsider, looking through a glass wall of our lives, there are easier options than heartbreak. Then again, nothing beautiful comes easy. It's hard to trust people when you've heard a million negative things about them. She was in the same boat. The first time he dropped by at school, Tita sussed him out - she was trying to put her finger on our situation but couldn't quite find a foundation there. One day when I told her about helping him get into university, immediately she knew all of this was happening because of true love. She affirmed me that I should be so grateful as to be used by God to help another, and with my fears (if they ever came true....) I would need to be strong enough to let him go.
Sometimes I just want to cry talking about all of this. My eyes swell up and it's about to get ugly...but I have the courage to not let my tears fall. And I think it's because God let's me be strong. God let's me bring the past to the present and weigh just how great life is now, for the both of us. He is the only person that makes my heart restless, yet the only person who can put my heart at peace. How strange is that, and a question I have yet to ask God in heaven.
One day all of this will make sense and I feel that day is called this Lent. If I could ask to do more this Lent I can't actually think of something. But if I could ask to be more (inspired by the motto of Caritas Australia) then in the next 40 days I will be praying for peace in my heart..and to lift this all up to God, forever.
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