Funny feelings

Last night at the CLP, I was deeply affirmed of my love for God and the community. This may even be my stronghold for wanting to serve more fully in SFC, maybe. After my three pray overs, I felt like I too, have been prayed over and made new. I truly felt the Holy Spirit through my friends, especially through Kay ..and the worship was just amazing!

Is there a reason why I had dinner at 9.30 pm tonight and flicked on the TV to find the movie 'The Wedding Planner'? Steve and Mary never got married to the people they thought they were in love with, and it took them till the very end to realise the love they once had, was never there to stay. When I think about my own life, would have I been completely happy with Kev, if Ry never came back? Would I have frozen at the altar, and finally listened to my heart? I'm not sure, actually. The thought of being with Kev promises trust, fidelity and security. But are these qualities really enough to want to be with someone for the rest of your life?

A step back from the good things in my life, and I become numb to the reality that Jane and I have finally spoken on the phone. I've never cried so much in my life in such a short amount of time, my heart felt like it was ripped apart and stepped all over. I couldn't believe half the things she was accusing me of. I never intended to hurt her and ruin her life. The problems she has in her life, does not rely on me. It's solely between her and Ry. I can't control the fact that Ry does not love her anymore. She wasn't in the picture 5 years ago, that's why she can never understand why I am here. Ry asked me the question 'Has anyone ever spoken to you like that before?' and honestly, that was the first time I have ever felt so disrespected. Right now, I want to feel something for her, but at the moment ..I feel nothing. I am so hurt that I don't know if I too want to see her for awhile.

I've been asking myself this question, the same question Miloy told me whilst I was pouring my heart out in tears ..'Is your friendship with Jane really worth it after all she has done to you?'. And the answer is, yes, it is worth it. But I know it will never be the same for a while, a long time. She needs to find her own happiness, and she can't make people love her. She has to love herself first.

Besides that, last night as Ry drove me home, we stopped and talked for a while about what happened with Jane, and as usual about random things. Little did we know we were talking for almost 2 hours. We held hands. Something about that little gesture about holding someone's hand that you care about can really heal pain and bring peace. It was so cute, he told me to hold the gear stick so he could teach me to drive manual, an excuse to hold my hand on the drive home. When I got out of the car, he gave me the exact same look during the variety night in '03. I was smiling all throughout my sleep :)

Right now, all I can do is pray for this relationship. Pray for healing between Jane and I and continue to live my life and fulfill my responsibilities as a student, sector head, daughter and friend. I know that the road is going to be hard, and this is only the first of many obstacles ..but his worth it.

Lord, I pray that you may be with Jane and Koko. Please help her to understand that life is about choosing to be happy and not just about feeling happy. Lord, I know that in the right time, we will be able to talk again and fix up our friendship. In your time, and in your way.