What really matters?

At the end of the day, what does really matter in life? How do you know you have lived this day the way you were meant to? How do you really know you made the most out of it? is it too late to do that? What really matters?

I've been thinking a lot about this question, after so many heartaches of life - many things out of my control, out of my reach to change. In the end, all I hope is to find some common ground, find a reason, one reason that makes it all okay for all of this to happen to me. Are all my tears worth it? how do I really know it does? Am I letting my heart cry only because it can, and should it? Should I let it hurt, even after knowing I shouldn't? Is all that I'm doing worth it to someone? or am I just letting myself take it all in, and no one will ever know that each tear is a sign that I'm holding on to everything....to him.

How do I know he's worth it, every single day, every minute, every prayer is all about how thankful I am that someone out there, out of all the billion options, he is here with me. What makes it so easy for me to choose him over painful words and accusations, loss of people I believed would be my friends forever...what really is it about him that I can hold on to him, well...with my life? How do I explain this to people who don't understand the risk it takes to really love someone, not just because they're there for you bla bla blah, but really..love someone? It's a simple answer - because they let you be YOU, the good, the bad...and still accept you, and even more, love you despite all those things.

So what? I'm pretty sure every kind hearted person out there can do that, accept you as you are. But really, no..they can't. Maybe for a few months, but somewhere in that time you'll start looking deeper into their heart, and if there is "nothing" there, then what's the point? Eventually, what caught your eye the first time is exactly how you will leave them. People say, how can I be with someone like him? Am I naive that I am only telling myself I'm happy? Cos apparently, I can be happier. This same question has been told to me so many times, that I've finally got an answer to it.

People will never ever know what real love is until they have seen the worse of someone, at the point of total distress. At the point where it seems like the very spirit that makes us live, is on its way out. At the point where you thought you knew them, - their strengths and weaknesses they've shared to you, and yet at this moment you wouldn't believe it could get worse. At that point when you begin to ask yourself why you are there for this person, even through all of this pain..is the very moment where love is trying to say - if you stay, you will discover what it means to love someone, completely.



.... I've been at this point, and to say that, I have trusted myself more than I can even explain, that there is a true love that exists in this undefined world. I know what it feels like to really love. When you look at someone from a distance, and see what they've been through, how much they have changed.. but still deep inside, you can see a spark of light that exists in a dim place, you are drawn to that light, and somehow that light is the exact same light that you also need to see...life. Without each others 'light', life seems unbearable. With each others 'light', life seems endless with possibilities, and the very nature of who you are begins to come out, as if it was bolted to the ground.

And I love him, completely. No more, no less than who he is to me, every single day. I have never felt a sense of completeness when we are together, when we share the same timeframe in the universe, his presence is the world itself. When I ask myself, 'what really matters?', well...it's to find that one person in the world who brings out the light in you, someone who speaks the same language of forgiveness, acceptance, respect, faith, hope, joy...and who is brave enough to look inside your heart and can still say 'I love you', not because you're perfect, but you let them see your soul and take the risk anyway.

Bubby, I hope you know how much I love you, you as who you are. I don't need you to be more, or want you any less. I love you because you let me in, let me see your highest and lowest moments...because you let me share the same light as you. I love you because you have chosen me despite your many choices, despite my inadequacies, you find something in me that I find hard to believe in myself. You give me the courage to be the best I can, with what I am capable of being, and you support me through all of my choices and have been right beside me through them all. In this crazy world, somehow...I hope every single day you know that I am so thankful I have found you and have you, and can share this life with you. I love you today, tomorrow and forever.






You are love.